


Robbed

by Sath



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (2014)
Genre: Comic Use of Blood, Gen, Humor, Misses Clause Challenge, Roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-20
Updated: 2015-12-20
Packaged: 2018-05-07 20:14:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5469539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sath/pseuds/Sath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Officer O'Leary keeps finding people sleeping on the floor, and they don't even have any blankets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Robbed

**Author's Note:**

  * For [amberspyglass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/amberspyglass/gifts).



For the past five years of my life, I’ve been a familiar. It wasn’t so bad at first, when my master lived alone. But then Pauline ran low on whatever weird hoard of vampire money she had and started taking in flatmates. There’s Carol, who likes doing ham radio, amateur theatre, and planning undeadbutante parties, and Vultrade, who’s mostly just creepy and French. Her clothes are hell to iron and the lace disintegrates in my hands. She still thinks Christmas involves sacrificing your second best cow and some of your least favourite people.  

I show up at Pauline’s every day a little after seven.

“Renfield, darling, could you take care of the drain?” Pauline said, opening the door only a crack. “The clog has returned.” 

My name isn’t Renfield; it’s Alice. She has never ever called me Alice, because she read Dracula once and thinks every vampire familiar should be called Renfield.

“Sure thing, master.”

Pauline let me in and slammed the door shut behind me so the neighbours don’t see the man caged up in the sitting room. It wasn’t the first time that had happened, but he was still dressed, which was new.

“Hi,” said the man, hypnotized to the gills and leisurely texting on his mobile. “My name’s Rob.”

I don’t introduce myself to victims. “He shouldn’t have his phone.”

“It’s fine,” Carol replied. She was sitting on the couch with her laptop, adding another mask to her ‘Unholy Masquerade 2015’ Pinterest page. “I wouldn’t tell him the wifi password.”

“Ah, do not speak to me of the wifi!” Pauline said with a groan. “There are demons living in the router. They put a shadowy man to watch me from my computer screen. You must reset the whole Internet.”

Everyone ignored what Pauline said about the Internet; she’d probably just accidentally opened an incognito window again, but at least she hadn’t yet tossed the whole computer into the garbage. “Which drain?” I asked.

“Downstairs bathroom, love,” said Carol.

It’s always the downstairs bathroom sink. Do you know how much hair three vampires shed each day? They wouldn’t listen to me when I suggested wearing hair nets when they fed on their victims. And they wouldn’t let me use the FURminator on their heads either. No, I get to have a bi-weekly adventure with the drain snake. I yanked at the pop-up stopper, pulling out enough hair with it to stuff a pillow. Pauline’s blonde strands mixed with Carol’s and Vultrade’s to make a tortoiseshell pattern of When Will Pauline Make Me a Vampire? I rolled up my sleeves to start my fight with the drain while Carol and Pauline argued over the victim.

“The raffle prize is starting to tire me.” Pauline sighed. “Why have you not eaten him?”

“Because that’s fraud. We accepted money for him but we never announced a winner, thanks to your ex-boyfriend.”

“Most vampires can’t define fraud, Carol,” I said. “You should just eat him.”

“Why do I have to be the one to eat him? He’s not my type.”

“You were the one to catch him,” Pauline replied. “No one else wants his blood. Why did you not get us a virgin for the raffle?”

“I’m saving myself for marriage actually,” said Rob. “I’m a Mormon.”

While I held my breath at the smell of undead hair, I could hear Pauline’s skirts rustle across the floor. “It has been so long since I have eaten a virgin,” she purred.

“Not by the laptop, Pauline!”

I dropped the hair and rushed out with a towel. Holding it in front of me like a shield, I hoped it’d save me a bit of trouble from cleaning blood off the walls. Pauline bit Rob’s neck just as someone knocked on the door. We all froze—except for Rob, whose artery fountained blood straight across the room.

Vultrade, appearing without warning as she usually did, glided to the door and opened it wide. “Welcome, small human policewoman.” When she smiled, her teeth were a good centimetre or two longer than they ought to be, and I could swear I heard bats screeching in the distance.

“Hi there, I’m Officer O’Leary.” The cop seemed to have no idea she was talking to an undead monster wearing two meters of crêpe. “Now, I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, but have you heard of a Rob Riordan? His family called in a potential kidnapping based on Mr. Riordan’s latest Facebook post, and he gave this address. May I come in?”

O’Leary tried to peek around Vultrade, who shifted just enough to keep the sight of Pauline and Rob out of view. Carol stole my towel to cover her laptop as Rob flailed and Pauline tried to make a seal over the artery with her mouth, but mostly just swore at him. I should quit. I should just quit and never look back.

 “You may absolutely not come in!” Carol called out.

Vultrade shrugged and moved aside. “You will not find the Rob within.”

“I can certainly see that you ladies keep a clean house,” O’Leary said, flinching when some of Rob’s blood sprayed across her face. Vultrade handed her a handkerchief that was mostly mildew. “Gosh, it’s humid in here though. Feel like I’m starting to sweat. This is the sort of condition which can lead to deadly mould, you know.”

“Is that so? Please, look around. I would hate to have… mould.”

O’Leary wandered into the kitchen as Vultrade stalked behind her, leaving me to un-report the victim’s kidnapping. I took his phone out from where he’d dropped it and opened up his Facebook app. His latest post was a selfie of him in the cage, captioned: “Captured by three vampires. Having a great time, but definitely am kidnapped. This is my third day of captivity and I’d love some food. Please send help! Love, Rob.” Five people had liked the status, and his mother had said she’d called the police.

I added on a comment: “Never mind! Not kidnapped anymore. Got something to eat, about to go on vacation. Don’t worry about me if I don’t reply!”

“This is a lovely place, really,” O’Leary added. Vultrade was practically panting as O’Leary took a seat on the sofa. “Got a carpet soft enough for that guy to sleep on.”

“Are you a Christian, Officer?” Vultrade asked. She loomed over O’Leary and adjusted the collar of her uniform to expose her neck. I really hope she wasn’t planning on killing another cop.

“Can’t say that I’m practicing—more of an agnostic myself.”

“Lovely,” Carol said. “Are you a virgin?”

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business.”

Pauline made a disappointed noise.

“But you are definitely not considering becoming a Christian at all?” Carol insisted. All the vampires were gathered around O’Leary now. I should probably get out the baking soda now before bits of cop end up soaked into the upholstery.

“I wouldn’t rule it out entirely. Are you planning on doing anything with the fourth bedroom?”

“No, it belonged to—what was her name?” Pauline said. “The one who accidentally took out the garbage at six a.m.”

“Wilhelmine the Terror of Lower Silesia,” I answered. We’d put her ashes in a nice urn over the mantel. Shame that she’d owed Pauline back rent though.

O’Leary batted Vultrade’s hands away. “Have you considered renting it out? I’ve been having a devil of a time at my place. One of my flatmates keeps disappearing once a month and comes back with no clothes on.”

My mouth hung open as Pauline leaned over to sniff O’Leary. “Werewolves,” Pauline hissed. “Disgusting creatures.”

“I don't think that's a very generous thing to say about someone,” O’Leary replied. “But the nudity is a bit weird.”

“I would love having another woman from this century in the house,” Carol said. “Full-time that is—not meaning to forget about you, Alice.”  

“You know, Carol, there’s a real simple solution to that problem if you’d just let me drink your blood,” I muttered.

Pauline grinned. “Yes, you must stay with us, Officer. _Forever_.”

“That’s it,” I said. “I’ve been taking care of you lot for five years, never complaining, never gotten so much as a ‘Thank you, Alice,’ and now this cop wanders in with her vest and her attitude and second-hand werewolf stench and you want her to move in! You’ll probably make her a vampire too, or kill her by accident and then I’ll be stuck disposing of the body!”

The vampires all stared at me like I was the arsehole. Even O’Leary joined in.

Well, at least the cop didn’t have that much hair to get caught in the drain.


End file.
